Indianapolis Colts
The Indianapolis Colts are an American football team that plays in the AFC South, which represents the heart of the Bible Belt. They are quarterbacked by Peyton Manning and coached by Tony Dungy. History The Indianapolis Colts were originally located in Baltimore. In 1984 they decided to move to Indianapolis in a wave of euphoria over Ronald Reagan's re-election. Baltimore has never forgiven the Colts for leaving, even though they have their own team now. In more recent years, the Colts have been the primary nemesis of the New England Patriots, who have rightfully dominated recent Super Bowls. In 2007, however, for reasons unfathomable, the sacred duty of defending all that is good and holy from the Bears has fallen to these valiant men from Indianapolis, who have the solemn duty of avenging the Saints, and claiming the Super Bowl on behalf of the New York Giants. Roster * 4 K''' Adam Vinatieri (winner of 3 Super Bowls as a Patriot) * 18 '''QB Peyton Manning (Bear Slayer, future spokesman for Stephen Colbert's Formula 419) * 63 C''' Jeff Saturday * 92 '''DT Booger McFarland Style of Play Offensively, Indianapolis utilizes a single-back twin tight end set, and frequently runs from the shotgun formation. The shotgun was named in homage to Vice President Dick Cheney, who inspired this precise, deadly and effective offense with his no-nonsense approach to terrorism. A major flaw in the Colts' implementation is that Peyton Manning relies too much on film study and facts rather than using guts to win games. This doubtlessly cost him several touchdowns and has hindered his path to true greatness. Impact on Bear Population in Indianapolis Thanks to the efforts of the Colts' defense, the bear population in Indianapolis is at an all-time low. A few bears are imprisoned at the Indianapolis Zoo and Penitentiary, and their existence is also threatened by local elephants. In addition, a recent Bear's fan was forced to change his name to Peyton Manning, thus making him a true American for denouncing Bearism. Soon after changing his name, Mr. Manning became a Republican and was proud to join the supportive group of George W. Bush. However, he was a bit surprised to show up to the meeting and see that he was the only one in the room. Superbowl Appearances The Colts have allegedly appeared in 3 Super Bowls, the second of which they kept the evil-pinko-commie Dallas Cowboys at bay. Yet it was only after moving to Indianapolis that they won one of the greatest Super Bowl victories of all time, slaughtering the Chicago Bears and saving the midwest from the great bear menace. Superbowl XLI The Colts slaughtered the Chicago Bears in Superbowl XLI 29-17, in what many believe was a symbolic showdown between good and evil. MVP Peyton Manning took full advantage of the scouting report provided by Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA, which called for rain and exploiting the Bears' inability to hold on to the ball. Dr. Colbert predicts great things for Manning, and feels the perfect way for him to kick-start his endorsements is by pitching Stephen Colbert's Formula 419, a new blend of Stephen Colbert's Formula 401 with added Essence of 18. Superbowl Crisis The fact that the Colts and Bears are meeting in Super Bowl XLI is very disheartening to Americans everywhere. Though it may seem that the Colts are the obvious choice since they are not bears, their quarterback, Peyton Manning, is an evil being with known ties to Xenu (though not a $cientologist) as well as the communist party. Only an American quarterback (like Tom Brady or John Elway) can truly save our nation, so it seems that America is screwed either way.